


we count the years, we think we're smart

by cashewdani



Category: Undeclared (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Panic Attacks, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-29
Updated: 2010-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-15 02:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1287610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashewdani/pseuds/cashewdani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just when Rachel doesn't think she can take any more cafeteria food, or finding hair at the bottom of the showers, or studying for finals, it's somehow the end of the semester, and she can finally go home for Christmas break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we count the years, we think we're smart

Just when Rachel doesn't think she can take any more cafeteria food, or finding hair at the bottom of the showers, or studying for finals, it's somehow the end of the semester, and she can _finally_ go home for Christmas break. But once she pulls into her driveway, she has absolutely no idea how she could have ever wanted to be back here.

Her mother tells her she'll do her laundry, which basically means, go through her bags for contraband, and her father barely looks at her when she walks in the door even though he hasn't seen her since August. They still think a dial-up internet connection is acceptable, and so she spends twenty minutes trying to log on so she can find out if Eric was parked outside of Lizzie's house when she got there, but by then her dad is yelling up the stairs about how she can't be tying up the phone line like this all the time just because she's home, and if she thinks next summer is going to be like this, she has another thing coming. It's really super welcoming, obviously.

Jessica, her best friend from high school, is apparently now a lesbian and Rachel's ex-boyfriend, James, looks even hotter than he did when they were breaking up last July. And being at this party she's starting to wonder how she was even friends with any of these people. Rachel spends most of the time texting Lizzie even though she's not responding and debating whether if she goes outside to have a cigarette her mother will somehow find out. She winds up having too much to drink at Angela's house to deal with everything, and she'd forgotten how much sneaking in sucks when you're drunk, and the next morning everything is even more horrible when her mother wakes her up and asks her to go for a jog.

When Marshall calls to wish her a happy Christmas Eve, it feels like months she's spoken to anyone normal. Lloyd's staying with him because he couldn't afford to fly home, and because of the same reason is allowed to go back to the dorms as soon as December 26th. Marshall is hoping to tell his parents tomorrow that he's a music major, and then they're getting in the car to go immediately back to UNEC, to avoid most of the fall out. Steven's going to bring all of _Star Wars_ because Lloyd's never seen them and Ron's cousin is hooking him up with at least three handles of vodka tonight and really, she should be there.

When they talked about this during exam week, she'd turned it down, thinking she'd be going to the mall with Jessica and catching up on her sleep and not clawing her skin off. But now, it sounds kind of perfect, even if it's like every other weekend they spent in December.

She promises to bring some of the six dozen cookies she helped her mom decorate that afternoon.

\---

Somehow, her parents let her go back to school, which is frankly, ridiculously unexpected. Of course, she has to spend the entire car ride back listening to her mom reminisce about when she was in school, and how it's so nice that Rachel seems to be making friends. She keeps reminding herself that in less than an hour she doesn't have to listen to this in person until possibly the summer, because there's no way they're not doing something epic for spring break.

Marshall's out in the parking lot when they get there, and she almost knocks his guitar case out of his hands she's running up so quickly to hug him. She kisses his cheek and then remembers he's Marshall, and that he's probably going to get the wrong idea, or that her mom certainly will.

They watch _Star Wars_ and Ron does his Yoda voice which still sucks. Marshall hooks up his ancient Nintendo system, and they try to beat _Super Mario Brothers_ while it's still 2001, and whenever Rachel falls asleep she hears the theme song from the dungeons playing on a continuous loop. And it's stupid, but it feels like she's home.

\---

New Year's hasn't been a big deal for her since she was allowed to stay up the first time when she was in 4th grade. But tonight feels that kind of special, like it's her first New Year's Eve as a grownup rather than as a big kid.

They go to some bar right off campus that doesn't card and everyone is already a little drunk thanks to that vodka that Ron was actually able to obtain. Rachel feels like she's been either buzzed, wasted or hungover at every moment since finals finished, and she's ok with that for now. Marshall is holding her up, or she's kind of carrying him, but either way she's mostly smooshed into his chest and he smells like Marshall. He's talking to Ron about how weird it is to not have snow right now, and Rachel realizes she's never had snow on New Year's. "Don't talk about winter, it makes us California kids sad," she says and Steven stops making out with Lizzie for just long enough to yell out, "Yeah!"

There's plastic flutes of champagne getting passed around and Lloyd wants eight of them because it's been 2002 from him for at least that many hours. He's blowing a noisemaker in her face and whisper/shouting things into her ear and Rachel can barely understand what he's saying any more. So many of his letters are getting swallowed by his accent, but he's got this huge smile on his face. 

Everyone standing around them starts counting down, "ten...nine...eight..." and it's beyond loud and Rachel feels like a part of something so big that she can't even describe it. At the end, they're screaming out "Happy New Year!" and the opening notes of _Auld Lang Syne_ are playing as she kisses them all down the row: Ron, Marshall, Lizzie, Steven and Lloyd. They all taste like alcohol except Lizzie who wears too much pineapple lip gloss.

They stumble out into the street not long after, and either the bar was really hot, or it's kind of winter even here in California, but she's cold and Ron just sticks his tongue out at her when she asks for his jacket. 

Marshall wants to know what their New Year's resolutions are and Rachel yells out, "To stop drinking!" and they're all shushing her and laughing and she loves them more than anyone else on the planet.

Steven and Lizzie go right to bed back at the dorm, but she sits up with the boys watching _The Honeymooners_ in black and white, trying to come down. "They say the person you kiss on New Year's Eve is the one you're going to spend the rest of the year with," Marshall tells them, but she thinks mostly her. She kisses each of them once more, and isn't surprised in the slightest when they all try to use some tongue.

The next morning, she has to have some vodka in her orange juice to even fathom opening her eyes and figures she'll give the resolution another try tomorrow.

\---

Classes start up again too soon, and she's wondering why it seemed like a good idea to sign up for Spanish when she hasn't taken it since middle school. Plus Lizzie is registered for some stupid stat class at 8 am every morning with Steven like they're even more insane than she is. By the second week, Rachel knows there's no way that she can stay up watching DVDs or playing Snood online and then get up like 4 hours later because Lizzie has to blow dry her hair.

And she loves, Lizzie, of course she does, but she just wants to sleep.

She doesn't know how as a single child the polite way to tell someone to shut the fuck up when they're humming along with the radio while applying their makeup. So some mornings she says nothing, and rolls over trying to block it out, because Lizzie's going to have to actually get up and leave for lecture at some point even though it seems like she's been prepping for hours. And other mornings she does just tell Lizzie to shut the fuck up, and then they don't speak for the rest of the day. Either option leaves her feeling gross inside.

So, they're pseudo-fighting one night at dinner because Lizzie turned the lights on to find a shirt that morning, but she's pissed that Rachel came in the night before at like 2 after a pool game with Marshall in the rec center. Basically, they're both being kind of bitchy and passive aggressive. And the whole time Rachel has to keep reminding herself that she loves Lizzie and that Lizzie loves her back, and that's more important than the fact that she's tired. All the time.

"I don't get why you can't get ready somewhere else is all I'm trying to say," she says as she angrily stirs what they were advertising as goulash.

"The bathroom happens to be really crowded at that time, which I've told you, and I hate getting my stuff all wet."

"Well, I hate listening to you and Steven make out after your alarm goes off for the fourth time!"

The guys had mostly been quiet up until this point, which she realizes they do almost all the time and is probably the reason they're still alive if she's being honest. But once Steven's name comes up, one of them is going to have to jump in. She's just kind of shocked it's Steven. "Why don't you sleep in my room and that way we won't bother you. Which, sorry. About that."

"I don't have class until 11," Lloyd adds, which she knows because they spent a majority of the scheduling window last fall trying to ensure that situation. "Plus I promise not to hit on you too much."

"What am I supposed to do if you have one of your 'lady friends' you want to spend the night with? Sleep on that disgusting couch?"

"What if I promise to only see my 'lady friends' as you called them in their own rooms?"

"You would do that?"

"Look, if it means I get rid of the marrieds too, it's pretty much win win, right?"

"We're not married," Lizzie says, while holding Steven's hand right there on the table.

"You're basically married," Ron adds in. "And I know you're not done, I'm waiting for it."

And Lizzie delivers, saying, "But, oh my God, Karpie, can you imagine if we do get married? Our kids can wear UNEC onesies to homecoming!"

"Please be aware that I won't be attending homecoming then ever," Ron says, which thankfully switches the arguing from Lizzie and Rachel to Lizzie and Ron. 

While she's yelling at him that he'll understand when he's in love with someone like she loves Steven, Lloyd leans over close to her ear and says, "Seriously, I think it will be a good idea. You've looked wrecked recently."

"Oh, thanks for that, really."

"No, I mean it, it'll work out better, you'll see."

So, that night, she sleeps in his room with all of the action figures watching her and Lloyd's quiet breathing that even sounds English, if that's possible. And it's perfect. Honest to God perfect, because she gets up only when she has to and sees that Lloyd has already gone off to start his day and she didn't even hear him. There's a post-it attached to her toothbrush that reads, "I told you so," in that handwriting that almost looks like a little boy's but that she knows is Lloyd's.

And her and Lizzie are able to go out and get smoothies again and talk about _Scrubs_ and it's the first time in weeks that it's just nice, so who even cares if Lloyd was right about something?

\---

The weird thing is that he stays true to his word. She never finds another girl in the room, and even when he's going to be out he'll send her a text message saying, "Don't wait up". And it's sweet, which is so not something that should describe Lloyd Haythe.

She's tried to talk about it with Lizzie, but she's mostly consumed by what her and Steven are going to do for Valentine's Day, and plus Rachel kind of feels like she'll say _Rachel, he is totally in love with you, oh my god, your babies are going to be kind of British!_ which no one needs to hear. It's also why she keeps her mouth shut about him being around more at night. Rachel's convinced that the girls on campus have finally wised up about what kind of guy he is and that's what it's about. That, or he doesn't want to get attached to anyone so close to the biggest romantic day of the year. Either, or, really.

So they watch _South Park_ or play Texas Hold'Um with laundry quarters together, but it's not together like they're a couple. Like usually Marshall's there, and Ron, and sometimes Perry, and if Lizzie's mad at Steven he'll be around too. It's only really late that they're really alone, while they're both getting ready to climb into bed. Well, then, and when he helps her with Shakespeare in the library on Thursdays while he's killing time before rehearsal, but that's it.

Her opinions on him haven't changed, if that's what anyone was thinking.

\---

It's like some cruel twist of fate or the universe conspiring against her, but she realized last week that she was going to get her period right after Valentine's Day. Plus her mother called to tell her they don't know if Whiskers was going to make it until she comes home in the summer and she has a gigantic paper due soon. It shouldn't be shocking at all that it happens, even though she hasn't had a panic attack in months.

But it still is when she wakes up in Steven's bed and it's like she can't move. She thinks she's crying though. Oh God, she's definitely crying, and from the way Lloyd's looking at her, it's possible she was screaming before in the dream. 

Something this bad hasn't happened in years, not since she was a sophomore and in danger of failing chemistry, and she honestly thought she was done with it. For the first time since they set up this arrangement, Rachel wishes Lizzie was the one across the way and not Lloyd.

Even when he asks, "Hey, are you okay?" being so quiet and calm and she tries to say yes, because it's just anxiety, it's not real, but she can't get any words out. "Rach?"

She's nodding, but still crying and sweating and she wants to stop. It has to stop. She tries to take a deep breath, then another, and it helps a little. "I'm going to come over there, okay? You're alright," and he's climbing out of his own bed in this tank top and his boxer shorts and coming to sit on the side of her. He takes her hand, and gently touches her hair, and Rachel doesn't know if it's because it's comforting or disorienting, but it gets easier to relax. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"I think so." God, she feels like a child.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know what happened."

"That's okay. It's okay." He runs his fingers through her hair again, and now she wants to cry not because she's scared but because he's being way too nice about this. 

"You don't...You don't have to do this," she gets out, still breathing too rapidly.

"I know. Would it be okay if I climb in with you? I want to try something."

And any other time she'd be telling him, there's no way you're trying anything with me, Lloyd of London, but all she says now is, "It's sweaty."

"I don't mind. Here," Lloyd lifts the blanket and positions himself behind her, spooning her. "I want you to try to match your breathing to mine, okay? Breathe in," he pauses to take the breath, and then follows, "And out. Let's try it."

And she does, because what else is she supposed to do while Lloyd's chest is pressed up against her? She closes her eyes and inhales on his inhales and exhales on his exhales, and it's not long before she's almost asleep again. "See, that was easy," he whispers while stroking his hand down her arm, and her heart picks up again, just a little.

"Let's make sure that's not the only thing that isn't hard," she murmurs, feeling of all things, bold. His laugh shakes through her whole body and it's the last thing she remembers.

\---

So of course the next morning is the one that Steven needs to get a sweatshirt.

\---

"Rachel, you were in bed with Lloyd, you can't just not talk about this with me," Lizzie says while Rachel is trying to out speed walk her to class.

"I can't believe Steven told you."

"I can't believe YOU didn't tell me! How long has this been going on?"

"Nothing is going on. I told you, I had a nightmare and he just made sure I was okay. Nothing happened."

"Look, Rachel, there are many times I've said nothing is going on, many, and there was always something going on."

"This is the part where I could call you a slut and you'd get really mad at me, or we could just go to class and not talk about it anymore. Which do you want to do?"

"I'm not a slut, Rachel!"

"I know, Lizzie, so I'm going to class."

Inside, Marshall is saving her a seat, and he doesn't ask at all about what happened, but he doesn't offer her his notes at the end of class like he usually does.

\---

There's a few days that it's all anyone wants to talk about. Even Lucien stops her to ask her if she needs any advice as he's very use to building-cest and that's something she doesn't want any further details on if she can help it.

At dinner, she shrugs at Lloyd and he rolls his eyes, and then they have to spend the rest of the meal defending how that wasn't a secret signal, it was just the most basic of humans interactions with their body language.

It's an absolute nightmare, but then once Valentine's Day comes and goes, and all Rachel gets is a note on her message board from Lloyd, things seem to screech to a halt. Everyone's moved on to the way that Steven bought Lizzie a pre-engagement ring and how that's either the most romantic thing ever (Lizzie) or an abomination against mankind (Ron). And she was probably right about his whole avoiding a girlfriend until February 14th blew past because it seems like he's hardly ever around at night any more.

She hopes she didn't scare him. Or that he's trying to avoid her. And he's probably not. But she still worries about it sometimes when her mind wanders.

\---

Rachel knows she wasn't planning on getting obliterated on St. Patrick's Day. She didn't put it in her Day Planner in between finish chapter 7 for Art History and schedule an appointment with her adviser to discuss next semester. But then somehow she's had a lot of green shots even though it's a Sunday night and she has class the next morning, or well, like six hours from now. Marshall pours her another and says, "I'm sad I can't get another Shamrock Shake until next year," and it's making her laugh so hard for no reason at all.

"Rachel, it's not funny, it's a crime!" and she's set off even harder.

"Marshall...Marshall, I know what we'll do! We'll crack the recipe tomorrow. I'll borrow Tina's blender and we can go to the supermarket and we'll figure it out, okay? We'll be food scientists. How awesome does that sound? OH MY GOD!!" She's practically shaking him by the time she's done.

"How will we know the ingredients?"

"The internet, Marshall. It knows everything."

"It's going to take over the world one day," he says, completely serious, and she knows she's had enough because she kind of believes him and gets a little scared for a minute.

"I bet it has mint extract in it," she says, distracting herself.

He asks, "The internet?"

And before she can even admonish him for being seriously, the drunkest person to ever exist on this earth, he's kissing her. His mouth tastes the same as hers, like the cheap rum they put too much food coloring in so it looked like mouthwash but dyed their lips and teeth the color of seaweed. 

Marshall's not actually a bad kisser, and she doesn't know if it's that, or the Listerine shots, or the fact that it's been so long since anyone's kissed her like this, but she kisses him back and climbs into his lap and they're full on making out for longer than she ever intended to do that with him.

She stops him only when she has to pee, and by the time she stumbles back from the bathroom, he's not in the living room any more.

\---

"I hooked up with Marshall last night," she says while her and Lizzie are trying to scrub the food coloring out of their mouths the next morning. Lizzie spits her foamy toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror.

"You what?!"

"I hooked up with Marshall last night," Rachel repeats around her toothbrush.

"Wait, did he kiss you, or did you kiss him?"

"Well..."

"Rachel, you can't be serious right now, answer my question!"

"He kissed me, but I kissed him back."

The toothpaste is still dripping down the glass but Lizzie has her eyes totally fixed on Rachel, a hand on her hip. "We are talking about Marshall Marshall, right? Like our Marshall?"

"Shut up, Lizzie, ugh, I shouldn't have told you." She forcefully turns on the sink.

"No, no! I'm happy you told me! And Marshall, I mean, he's sweet. And he's totally into you."

"Is it crazy for me to say that I maybe liked it?"

"You've never said anything about me dating Steven..."

"To your face," Rachel interrupts.

"To my face," she rolls her eyes, "but whatever, so what if you liked it? I mean, you were drunk. And who was the last guy you hooked up?"

Rachel can tell Lizzie's hoping this sharefest will continue with her saying it was Lloyd, even if that isn't true. "It has been awhile..."

"See, there you go. It's totally not a big deal. And even if Marshall tries to make it one, it totally isn't, Rach. Don't forget that."

And after that, Rachel feels a little better about the whole thing. Until she goes to meet up with him to walk to World Geography together, because they always walk to World Geography together, but he tells her he's cutting because he's too hungover. When she asks if he wants her to stay to keep him company, because whatever, she can look at a map of Africa on her own time and figure out where things are, he just says he's going back to sleep and closes his door while she's still standing there.

\---

"Do you think it's possible he doesn't remember we kissed?" Rachel asks Lizzie, while they're "studying" back at the room later.

"He totally remembers," Steven says, not even looking up from his statistics book. "He told me about it this morning."

Rachel can't help it that she slaps him kind of hard in the back of his head. "Why am I just hearing about it now?"

"First, ow," he says, rubbing the spot she just whacked. "Secondly, what does it matter if he remembers?"

"Because if he remembers, than it means he's avoiding me. Oh my God, was it seriously that horrific that even Marshall, of all people, can't even look at me?"

"I'm sure it wasn't horrific," Lizzie says. "Steven, did he say anything else?"

"No, just that he and Rachel hooked up while they were drinking last night."

"It's official, I'm killing myself," Rachel says, slamming her book closed. "I won't have to write this paper for next week either, so, extra bonus."

"You're being melodramatic," Steven tells her, and well, it's his own fault that he gets hit again.

\---

What's weird is how little everyone else seems to care about this besides her. It's the exact opposite of what happened with Lloyd, and Rachel doesn't know if that's because she's getting a reputation as a slut or what.

Instead of everyone else analyzing every move either of them make, she's the one doing it. When he sits next to her on the sofa instead of on the easy chair, does that mean he likes her again? Or that he's feeling comfortable with her as friend after the weirdness? When he buys her a soda from the vending machine, what does that mean? And does it matter that it's not a diet? Or that he knows it's her third favorite soda and the other two were available?

God, she's losing her mind.

And she doesn't want to bring it up if nobody else is because that's just sad. And most of them aren't around all that much anyway. There's some girl Ron's trying to get to go out with him, and the couple is either fighting or fucking. Lloyd's got his play coming up, and a whole other freshman dorm he's apparently working his way through.

So she just sits in her room, eating those Little Bites mini muffins, and hoping that somehow this time she doesn't put that 15 pounds on again.

\---

They talked about booking a spring break trip in October, and then no one ever got around to looking up flights or hotels. So, they're off next week and there are no plans in place. Rachel's cat did in fact die, and Steven's parents are back together this month, and no one, especially not Marshall, feels like going to his house in the middle of the country.

"Why don't we go to Vegas?" Lizzie asks, clicking on a random ad on Expedia's home page. "I've always wanted to go to Vegas."

"We can't gamble, we can't drink, and I don't know about you, but I can't afford to go to Nevada," Rachel says while highlighting way too much of her reading for class. She has no idea why her professor decided it was a good idea to give them an extra chapter this week on top of their exam right before vacation. Obviously besides the fact that he's a dick. "Vegas is out."

"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Princess," Ron says, and she can't believe Steven got them all addicted to that stupid Zelda TV show from some VHS tape his mother unearthed while redoing their den. "What do you suggest?"

"I suggested we book something back in February, but you know, why would we have done that?" Rachel angrily flips to the next page and tries to remember what she just read. Manages not to roll her eyes at Ron because she knows how much he hates it. "I'm sorry," she sighs out when she can tell they're all looking at her weirdly. "I just want to sleep. Can we just do that for spring break? Sleep?"

"Losers can do that every night," Ron says, leaning back in his chair so he's only resting on the two back legs. "Marshall!" He yells across the hall. "Rachel just wants to sleep for break, get in here! She needs you."

Rachel doesn't like the way she can feel herself blushing. How she counts the seconds until he pops his head into the room. The awareness she has of him talking only to Ron when before whatever their drunken encounter was, she's positive he would have come and sat down next to her and leaned on her shoulder and asked her to make a list of what her ideal vacation locale would include. "I vote Rock and Roll Hall of Fame," and of course he does.

She's pretending to read the chapter still, while he's showing the rest of them a website, but all she's really thinking about is how that's the worst thing about all of this. How she knows Marshall. Knows that he only listens to CDs in the order they appear in on an album and saves his brown M&Ms for last. That he smoked up so much in high school that he doesn't want to do it any more, but still has rolling papers in his desk drawer just in case. It's been less than a year, and she still thinks she probably knew Marshall better than she's known anyone.

And now he doesn't talk to her, and she was sure that he was completely in love with her since day one, but maybe she's just self centered and misread this whole thing. Maybe it wasn't about her, and about checking something off a list.

"What do you think about Cleveland," Lizzie asks and at that point Rachel can't even take it anymore.

"I'm going to the library. Call me if we decide anything." She throws her book in her bag and the highlighters and is happy it's finally getting warm enough that she can just wear flip flops outside again because that's what she has on her feet already.

Two pages of notes later, she gets a text from Lloyd, of all people, saying, "Camping 4 break. Fill u in tonite."

\---

Rachel's camped with her family a few times, and the Girl Scouts that year her mom forced her into doing it because it would be a way for her to stay out of trouble and learn some good values. It was actually the first place she smoked pot, so, joke's on you, Mom. But there were zero of those times that she was concerned about having to share a tent with Marshall, a guy who must have found kissing her to be so offensive it forced him to stop even realizing her existence.

As soon as they get there, Ron and Lloyd set to work on hitting on the girls two campsites over rather than assembling the tents and Lizzie keeps asking Steven why they couldn't have just gone on their own trip to a bed and breakfast. It's kind of exactly how Rachel imagined this being.

But things get a little better when the sun sets and they're all sitting around this fire Ron finally got going after he squeezed two bottle of lighter fluid into it. They're talking about all the things that have happened this year, and drinking this insanely shitty beer that she's pretty sure was purchased at a gas station and for a second she's able to forget all the drama and stress and think about how this is what she pictured college being like when she was younger. She feels warm, and the inside kind of warm, not just the warm from sitting in a sweatshirt here by the flames.

Until those girls from earlier have marshmallows and then she and Marshall are the only two left sitting around the fire when Lizzie takes Steven's hand and leads him away. She at least has the decency to look over her shoulder at Rachel, but her face is just saying, "Come on, like I'm not going to have sex with Steven in the woods, are you new?" 

It's awkward to have Marshall sitting on the other end of the log, just poking at the fire with a stick. But then again it's been awkward to do anything when he's around recently. And she's so sick of it, and just wants to go back to living life without this constant internal monologue about Marshall Nesbitt. "What's been going on with us since St. Patrick's Day?" she asks, and there's a thrill that goes through her at the thought that maybe she's finally going to get an answer.

"What do you mean?"

She sighs. "I mean, before we were friends, and I thought you liked me -"

"I did like you!" he says, stabbing kind of angrily at the fire pit.

"You did, or you do?"

"Can we not do this, Rach?" he asks.

"Maybe you can not do this, but I have to, okay? So, seriously, what is going on?"

"I kissed you," he says quietly, and a piece of wood pops so much louder than his voice.

"Yeah?" she says like he's slow because that's the only part of this thing that she didn't need any help discussing.

"I wasn't supposed to kiss you like that. Not for real." He turns to look at her then, and finishes, "I was supposed to wait and see if maybe one day you kissed me."

"What does that matter?" because, seriously? This is why she's had to be insane for weeks, things didn't match the image he'd daydreamed over?

He tosses the stick at the fire and rubs his hands on the thighs of his shorts. "You knew I liked you. If you wanted to kiss me, to be my girlfriend, any of it, you would have done it."

"And that's why you left when I went to the bathroom."

"That's why I left. I've got to get you out of my system."

She wants to move closer to him, bump his shoulder or something, but she feels she's supposed to stay where she is. "So, what do we do?"

"I don't know. Apparently you're dissatisfied with the arrangement," he says, and it's so snotty that she thinks by the end of this she might be more annoyed than upset.

"I just want things to be like they used to be."

"Sucks to be you," he says, throwing the stick into the fire and scattering embers all over the dirt. "Tell the guys I went to bed."

She watches him walk over to the tent, and she both doesn't and wants to cry.

\---

She's still sitting there when Lloyd wanders back from the other campsite, alone. "Hey," he whispers, and his face looks orange in the glow of the flames. "Did you talk to him?"

"Mmhmmm," she murmurs, and that's when it becomes too much, when she can't stop it anymore, and has to wipe some tears off her face.

"Why don't we go to bed," he says, like they're a we, or something. Like he doesn't even need to know why she's crying.

She nods at him, "Okay," sighing, and pouring water over the campfire. She wonders if it's melodramatic to think she's feeling extinguished.

Lloyd takes her hand and leads her to what she knows is his tent, and his sleeping bag, and she just lets him. Falls asleep in her clothes, his breathing a comfort because it's something familiar, even all the way out here.

\---

It's stupid, but Rachel actually feels like everything gets a little better once they set the clocks forward. Like she doesn't even care anymore if Marshall's on a Rach Detox, or that she doesn't think she's anywhere closer to picking a major. Unless something catastrophic happens, she's going to pass all her classes, and she's got a job lined up on campus for the summer working in the theater that Lloyd arranged for her.

So it will be him and her subletting a place off campus, because he's staying to do the kid's series, playing the prince in _Sleeping Beauty_ and Jack in _Jack in the Beanstalk_ and she thinks Peter Pan by the time August rolls around.

And she knows her mother was asking why she didn't get a place with Lizzie, or a single, or come and work at the pool at home like she's done every summer since she passed the lifeguard test, but choosing to live with Lloyd doesn't even feel like a thing she could make a different decision about. He's the only one this semester who hasn't made her feel terrible, which she doesn't know what that says about her friends or next year, or anything really.

Her mistake of course is telling him that, the Thursday night that Mark Greene dies on _ER_ after she was crying so hard that he had come and put his arm around her and she had just bawled all of her feelings into the front of his shirt. Later, while they're still sitting like that, but the news is on, and she thinks that someone might be able to say the word letter to her without it eating through all the way to her soul, that's when she angles her head up and says, "I think you're the only thing that hasn't made me want to cry this year."

He says, "Huh," like it's surprising. Like he's trying to think back if that's actually true.

His thumb is stroking her arm, and she wants to kiss him. Because he's not who she thought he was, he's someone better, and because she feels raw in this moment. Like this is the kind of moment that things happen under. So she does. She kisses him in his living room and he kisses her too. Doesn't stop to ask her what she's doing, or if she's sure, just kisses her and puts his hands on her face. In her hair. Along the back of her neck.

The first thing he does say, when they pull apart is, "I really like you, Rachel. I have for a long time," and then he goes right back to kissing her.

\---

She should be thinking about whether that's a line he's used on other girls. If it's possible to really trust someone like Lloyd Haythe when it comes to matters of the heart. And mostly if this is even something he's capable of, being something to a girl other than a one night stand. Two nights if he was really busy working on something else and didn't have time to find someone else. But instead she's been debating the best way to tell Marshall that Lloyd is more than just her friend now since the first night they slept together and he fell asleep long before she could. Because it's only fair that he knows before anyone else, but the thought of telling him makes her want to slip into full procrastination mode so much it might as well be a lab report.

It turns out that it doesn't really matter all the alternatives she's gone over, but not really decided on yet, because he comes back from class early one day and figures it out all on his own. She'd been lying with her head in Lloyd's lap, and he was playing with her hair, reading _Pippin_ , and then Marshall's screaming, "You guys are supposed to be my friends!", all red in the face and just standing there, staring at them.

Sitting up she says, "Marshall...", like she really didn't mean for it to be this way. Like she does kind of wish deep down that she could have just liked him to begin with.

His hands are actually shaking. "How long this has been going on, huh? How long? Since before Valentine's Day? Were you lying this whole time?"

"It's not like that..." she tries to say, but he just keeps talking.

"Is that why Lloyd stopped being around after we kissed? Huh? Is it?"

Rachel tells him, "It just kind of...happened?" knowing it's among the worst explanations she can give. "I'm sorry, Marshall. Really, I'm sorry," reaching out like she wants to touch him, but he jerks away, turning his attention to Lloyd.

"I knew you were going to do this. You're a prick." He spits the word out. "A piece of shit and a prick." He heads for his room, turning back, to add, "He's going to cheat on you, Rach. If he hasn't already."

Lloyd's off the sofa before she can stop him, and Marshall's daring him to just do it while Lloyd has him by the shirt. And the only thing she can do is pull on Lloyd's arm and yell at them that they're being stupid and she hates them both right now and that they have to stop.

Ron's the one who eventually gets the two of them off one another by lugging Lloyd to the other side of the room, and she doesn't know what happens after that because Lizzie comes in and takes her to the girl's room and just lets her cry for awhile.

\---

She slept in her own room for the first time in months that night, even though Lloyd had texted her that they'd talked and everything was okay. Asking her to come back. Saying he was sorry. Or maybe slept isn't the right word, as she really didn't do too much of that.

Lizzie cuts class with her the next day, so they can watch MTV together and eat their way through a whole tray of brownies, and Rachel spills her guts about all of it: Marshall being weird, and the fight, and the way that she wouldn't have thought it, but Lloyd actually makes her feel beautiful while they're having sex together. And Lizzie's a good friend because she just kind of lets her talk and doesn't mention at all that Rachel's been keeping this a secret from her the whole time.

During the episode of _The Osbournes_ where Ozzy can't work the remote control, Marshall knocks on the door frame of the room and asks if he can come in. And he looks sheepish and awful, and so she tells him he can.

"I'm just going to...yeah," Lizzie says, taking off her blanket and heading for the bedroom as Marshall stands there, playing with the strap of his bookbag.

"I know I shouldn't have said that," he tells her when Lizzie is out of earshot. "So, I'm sorry." On that last part, he looks at her, and she can tell he's kind of forcing himself to. "I was upset."

"And I know I _should_ have said something, so, I'm sorry too."

"But, really, that guy?" Marshall asks, and she laughs, because even if it's not supposed to be a joke, she can't help it. He doesn't look like he's gong to kill her so it's probably okay.

"Come sit." She pats a spot on the couch and he joins her. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah, I guess we're okay," He sighs and leans back in his seat. "As long as you don't patronize me and say there's another girl out there who will be perfect for me to date. Oh, and if you don't start treating Lloyd like he's Steven." Marshall smirks at her, honestly smirks at her, and she feels better than she has in weeks.

"I won't do that."

"Good." She matches his posture, "Do you really think he's going to cheat on me?"

"I don't know, Rach. I hope not."

"Yeah, me too."

He picks up some of the crumbs that are leftover from the brownies and changes the topic to how he has no idea how the Osbournes keep all of these pets.

\---

When Lloyd gets back from play practice, she's wearing a sweater of his and nothing else, and the way he looks at her makes her worry a little less about being left for someone else.

\---

After spending so much time in the library during reading week that she's worried someone is going to come and hunt her down and ask for a rent deposit for subletting that desk on the 3rd floor, she does indeed pass all of her classes.

They get drunk in the middle of the afternoon, the whole group of them, out on the patio of their favorite Mexican restaurant. Favorite because they don't ask for IDs if you order enough margaritas right off the bat and they have Taco Tuesdays.

"We're officially done with freshman year," Ron says, like it just occurred to him. "Shit."

Lizzie's curled up on Steven's lap as though they're not at a public restaurant. "I don't want it to be over. Everything's going to be different."

"Not everything," Steven tells her, and he's all flushed and maybe wasted, and Rachel can't stop laughing at the two of them.

"Be nice," Lloyd whispers in her ear, tracing some of the condensation from his glass on the back of her hand.

Marshall's the one who says, "Sometimes change is good," and she smiles at him so wide.

"To becoming sophomores," she says, raising what's left in her margarita glass. "With my best friends."

Marshall's the first one to clink her glass against his.


End file.
